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June S. Sai @JuneSSai

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2021 Recap + What Next?

Posted by JuneSSai - December 7th, 2021


Another one of these huh?

Doubt anyone reads these but myself, but I like writting a lot, it's one of the few things I still do pretty well and I'm still very enthusiastic about, so I might aswell give this one last shot


I'm going to try to keep this brief, since everything that had to be said about 2021 has been said to death at this point, but I might aswell give my own take


Let's start with the negative, since this is the part I not only excel the most at, but there's lots to talk in here


Ironically, I started 2021 very positively all things considered

After 2020, I didn't think it could get any worse, specially since I've been living one of the most miserable lifes out there ever since 2017, and specially 2018, 2019 to 2020 didn't help aswell nor did any of those years give me a single break. in fact, they made everything worse and harder than I could stand, but incredibly, I'm still here, living and kicking. Kinda.

So I thought that after what seemed an eternity for me, I would finally get a good year, or at least something decent

But no, just as the year began, my hopes were shattered just as quickly

I didn't had many expectations at all, but I still managed to be surprised on how bad things have gotten

Many fights broke out in here, mostly due to my "family" being a bunch of pieces of shit and with me being done with having to live with a bunch of people that would say nothing but horrible things about me whenever I turned my backs to them, even though I'm the first person to always help everyone around here, and when I heard that one of my uncles has passed away due to a sudden heart attack, I was devastated, after that funeral, I was truly alone, because despite my family, including my dad being absolutely unreliable, my uncle was one of the few people in here that genuinely helped me through every bad time I had in here, even with all of the issues he had, like his drinking problem, he was genuinely one of the greatest persons out there, but even him was now gone, and I didn't even get the chance to spend enough time with him, or at least realise how much of an excellent person he was and thank him for everything he has done for me, the same thing that happened with my mother, now happened with him, I didn't gave these people the value they truly deserved, and I'll live the rest of my life regretting it.


Things wouldn't go any better for the objectives I set for 2020 aswell

Relationships were a complete disaster, and I've never felt so empty and crushed like that since 2018. Job opportunities didn't appear either, I couldn't get myself to improve my works or start the projects I promised I'd get myself working on, because whenever I attempted to do anything, I'd just stare at the screen, remembering and regretting everything that I have done in my life, as the hours quickly flew by, before giving up entirely on idea of improving, and working in here due to me not having a room makes doing anything meaningful in here nigh-impossible, and with the fact that my computer broke a total of two times this year alone, left me empty on cash from all sources, and specially down to do anything, as I felt things would derail the moment I attempted to get up again


I've been thinking a lot and this year was somehow worse than 2020, and the fact that I got through it without attempting to shoot myself again is a fucking feat of itself, and despite everything I said above, this didn't cover a 1/3 of how awful this year truly was


But, it wasn't all bad


This year I met some genuinely amazing people, people that have helped me through bunchs, gave me some good laughs and overall made many miserable days and nights into something special, some people I'd consider a family to me in many ways, and it's been such a joy to feel so excited over talking to someone again, to feel like I'm part of something great, to be around so many phenomenal people, and all of these experiences left me rethinking that things might just be ok at the end of the day, that maybe I do have a place in this small world afterall

I've got invited to so many communities and meet many new and fantastic faces, and most of that happened because of Newgrounds

Although I did enjoy using this site back in the day around 2006-2010, this is the first time I truly took time to engage and participate on the community, and although there have been a few bad eggs here and there, this didn't taint the amazing experience I've had in here at all, and if there is one thing to be grateful for this year, it's Newgrounds and the people I've met in here for the most part. Of course there's other people and communities that made a big impact on me this year aswell, but NG takes the cake above it all.


And I kinda feel like I finally started to gain more control over myself

No more letting people step over me and being okay with it, now I take some attitude and solve things myself, no matter how fucking bummed or down I might be, and that's something to be proud of

In general, I'm proud of myself no matter how much of a big piece of shit I might be

My works aren't great, I need lots to improve, and in many ways my life is out of control, but I never once try to go the easy way just because it's easier or attempt to cash in on easy, souless opportunities just because everyone is doing it, no matter how badly I'm failing at life and everything else, I'm still trying my fucking hardest, and you should be proud for doing the same aswell


If I didn't got myself killed, nothing nor anyone will


What I want for next year?

I just want something, no matter how insignificant it might be, if it's something to hold dearly, I'm happy.


It's been an awful, yet fun year, and being around you all has been an absolute pleasure

I don't celebrate these kind of festivities, but... merry christmas and happy new year from your favorite asshole, June.


Peace out suckers, it's been real.

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